Ode to the Prime Minister's Palate

Vladimir Putin

can be highfalutin,

but he'd trade his weenie

for a cherry blini

or a Fig Newton.

He was in
like Pnin,
a knock-off
Nabokov
swilling gin.

Major League 3: Return of the Curse of the Ghost of Jobu

Wild witches
throw pitches
voodoo Haitian
negotiation
free agent riches

Bad news
gives me the blues
not nearly
as dearly
as mispelled tatoos.

Walden and Long Beach together

Snoop Dogg's
analogue
in an outdoor
metaphor
is a bog.

À la recherche du chronic perdu.

Earlier today,
to my dismay,
my O.G.
homie
forgot about Dre.

Junk in the trunk/ Tha Debt Crisisss

Ya shifty Greek
Yer economy's weak
Do us the pleasure
of an austerity measure
else the EU's up shit's creek

Rabies

Scorsese
went crazy
and bit
the clit
off Jay-Z.

Free jazz

John Zorn
may scorn
smut
but
not porn.

edit: now a slimmerick

'e spayed 'er
at the seder
where 'e see'd 'er
'cuz 'e kneed 'er
in the nadir.

German Conspiracy Theorists

Young Werther
was a birther.
Martin Luther
was a truther
as was Goethe.

Silvio's career hits a sour note

As a merry

Salieri,

Berlusconi
was both phony
and scary.

Italians

When de Medici
got preachy
they'd bleed him
and feed him
a litchi.

Anachronistic world leaders VII

When Machiavelli
turned on the telly
to see Berlusconi
had won a Tony
he burst his belly.

Anachronistic world leaders VI

FDR
taught Salazar
how to jitter his
wife's clitoris
with a cigar.

Anachronistic World Leaders V

It was quite a thrill
for Kim Jong-il
to see Pol Pot
in polka dots
lead a military drill.

Annihilate!

Snake in the grass!
Mustard gas!
Power drill!
Overkill?
Conservation of mass!

John Donne
was one
who'd pun
his son
for fun.

Anachronistic world leaders (IV)

Attila
the killa
was no match
for the snatch
from Wasilla.

Swinburne's
shin-burns
were inflicted
and licked at
by his interns.

Board Games and World Events

The Spartans improperly
Thought at Thermopylae
That the Persians
Had new versions
Of Risk and Monopoly.

Anachronistic World Leaders III

Wellington
had fun
beating Napoleon
at Dungeons
and Dragons.

Anachronistic World Leaders II

Kublai Khan
got it on
with Livia Drusilla,
Imelda de Manila,
and Mary Lou Retton.

Anachronistic World Leaders I

Allende
friended
Pinochet.
They play
Farmville all day.

Enslaved Filmmaker to His Critics

Extended shots of ass
may seem crass
but you must admit
they were a hit
with the ruling class.

this works in some dialects

Derrida
ferried a
gaggle of chicks
across the Styx
to meet Pablo Neruda.

Non-time-traveling philosophers II

John Rawls
often mauls
my doorman
Norman
when he calls.

Non-time-traveling philosophers

Quine
went online
to find porn.
He was born
at the right time.

The brave
all behave
when made
with spade
to dig their own grave.

The absurd
Kurd
demurred
when he heard
he was interred.

Shia madness

Feed a Sufi
A roofie
And muzzle him.
It will puzzle him
And seem goofy.

Time travelling Wittgenstein preaches.

Slab pitched.
Thoughts switched.
Words
heard;
bewitch'd!

Time-traveling philosophers get randy, okay?

Ludwig Wittgenstein,
whose massive tits were fine,
cockblocked
John Locke
with his classic sixty-nine.

RoPo

When this dude
was in the mood
he'd find a lass
and ply her ass
with 'ludes.

YEAH

WHAT
WHAT
OKAY
OKAY
WHAT

forced rhyme is fun like fisting

Fighting New Age
Spewage
Becomes more
Of a bore
As you age.

Old folks

slightly edited

The geezers
in freezers
are strumming their
stiff nasal hair
with tweezers.

Nightmare

What disturbed my rest
was a violent ingest
by a riled reptile
I wrestled in the Nile
Thank God I awoke in the midwest!

Slant Rhyme

At the whim of words
and the absurd
slimmericks
too quick
must just occur

A Grand Intrusion

Jean Renoir
Was in my boudoir
The Rules of the Game
Were really quite tame
Our safeword was au revoir

Wapshot Cumshot

John Cheever
Didn't like beaver
He got his rocks off
In St. Boltophs
During a drunken fever

Groupthink

Think tank
Policy wank
Cato Institute, Brookings Institution
Discovery Institute, Mental Institution
Gangbang gangplank

Amensty

Spelling retardation
Grammatical irrigation
Teabonic
Colonic
No excetion

plate tectonics

When Wegener
smelled the egg in her
he grew weak
from the reek
and stopped pegging her.

ps for wegener also read stegner.

Kipling
as a stripling
found the weight
of his state
quite crippling.

Cock-ring of the Nibelungs

When Wagner
tried shagging her
he got caught --
should've thought
of gagging her.

When Wigner
stuck his sprig in her
it quailed
and failed
to grow big in her.

Von Neumann
The boy-man
Was not
Thought
A coy man.

Should an emu
Deem you
A threat,
You can bet
It will ream you.

A blast from the pack
like hittin' that crack.
Dem ah high
jah rasta 'n de sky.
Crayon Rocket flashback.

One ring to rule them all

New carillon?
Whats going on?
There goes an elf!
Is that a stealth
Eye of Sauron?

What’s the time?
behold the chime
of the towering phallus
on the south quad humus
the alumni’s dime

cheney's concern

Department of Jihad
Boom bomb god
gives wolf blitz
the shits
quereliz façade

I fear
bubbly beer
a hose
out the nose
gooey smear

demise of CNN
suspendered, wrinkly men
wikipedia
the true media
my zen

Within the synod
bishops rod
relic
elect
hand of God.

After Martha Stewart

To rivet
a livid
civet
to a pivot,
first shiv it.

Norman Mailer,
like Vlad the Impaler,
is best
assessed
as a failure.

Neil Young
was modestly hung,
but got laid
with the aid
of his tongue.

Now that's a blowjob

Lil' Wayne
had penile pain
after Lil' Zane
gave 'em brain
with a match and propane

Fat Philosophers

Georg Hegel
Could not inveigle
Friedrich Schlegel
Or Thomas Nagel
To eat a bagel.

Fat Presidents

William Taft
Was understaffed.
He would splatter
Fecal matter
When he laughed.

Oscar Wilde
had a love child
with some skank
named Anne Frank
thus proving he was versatile.

Famous Johns, pt. II

John Donne's
had tons
of naughty
thoughties
about nuns.

Jack & Diane

John Cougar Mellencamp
always did well in camp
because
he was
the storytellin' champ.

Warm greetings
and child beatings.
Styling
and racial profiling.
Law enforcement meetings.

Darryl Strawberry

committing a robbery;

threw back

the crack.

Charged with snobbery.

The inspectors'
nectars
are tested
and ingested
by rectors.

The corpuses
of porpoises
are noted-
ly bloated
like whore-pussies.

Hott-
entot
was not
bought
for naught.

Anus and Deacons

Cryptic

apocalyptic

teachers:

preachers

wearing lipstick

Idylls of the Hottentot

Hottentot
Was bought
By shady
Lady
Of Shalott.

Senators, Ancient and Modern (II)

Larry Craig
Was vague
About what
He thought
Of being "a fague."

The plot thickens

Hottentot

thought:

"To be,

or to be

not."

Senators, Ancient and Modern

The inspector
Who wrecked her
And the instructor
Who fucked her
Were both Arlen Specter.

Looking legit

Lonely child
a van aptly styled
"Free Candy"
(but the drivers randy)
get inside.

Flower power

Summer showers
power flowers.
Which falls
squalls
then devour.

Better butter makes the bitter batter better

Hotentot
caught
in a Boer
War
plot

Great expectations

Pip's breeding
Was uneven.
Miss Havisham
Tried to ravish him.
He's still bleeding.

Instructions

Lemurs
and dreamers
shall receive
Cleve-
land steamers.

Pedobear
And Tony Blair
Are similar
To Himmler
But with more hair.

Neither Cato
Nor Plato
Could convince
The Prince
To join NATO.

Krapp's Last Rape

If a wench
Exposed her trench
To Samuel Beckett
He'd wreck it
With a wrench.

The Cleveland Steamer

Saran wrap
anal gap
plop plop
drip drip drop
fap fap fap

The Importance of Alcohol

Your mortal coil
's gonna spoil
Aerate a bit
Water it
It's just soil

Fired up!

Whose
Fuse
A progressive?
The regressive?
Fox News

Scathing Dissent '00

John Paul Stevens is bailin'
Health a failin'?
You whore
Remember Bush v. Gore?
I nominate Palin

No Steam Ship

You dip
It's a gyp
To take a cruise
Without the booze
Bipartisanship

Art Film

It's a spectacle
(Though to some ain't respectable)
Go 'n see
E3
The Extra Testicle

On Greek Style

Thucydides
Fucked Euripides
In the butt
To put
His id at ease.

Flailing in Byzantium

Justinian's
Minions
Were told
Not to hold
Opinions.

A truncated one

Orestes
Is besties
With my testes.

S'Porpoise

In a lake

wide awake

"dolphin

golfing"

also spake

Enigma

Alan Turing
Had enduring
Issues
With the misuse
Of urine.

three quarks
for muster mark
there are protons
but no photons
in the dark

Profiling

Freud
Would avoid
Cases
With odd faces
And the self-employed.

Prejudice

Mr Darcy
Spoke no Farsi.
When he heard you
Using Urdu
He got arsy.

Caligula
Would tickle her
Till her boobs
And his pubes
Were perpendicular.

The Middle Ages I

When Dante's
Aunties
Read his drafts,
They laughed
And wet their panties.

The testes
Of Orestes
Grew
Blue
Like wrecked cheese.

Dark Age

argent fair
ermine hair
guley sox
sable pox
rotting vair

Decline and Fall of the Golfing Dolphin

drive and putt
make the cut
break rules
family jewels
in the butt

Bedtime

tiny waist
young and chaste
kiss goodnight
smile made white
with toothpaste

Your favorite band sucks. Literally.

N' Sync posters
flaming roasters
semen
he-men
O-ring toasters

Taxed Enough

April drama
Heil Obama
tax/spend
children
kill your mama

Affair

Alsace jews

from Mulhouse

foreign rebel

to the devil

j'accuse...!

Morning Muammar

Morning coffee
tall and frothy
bold and
grand
like ghadafi

The manna
In Urbana
Oozes
From bruises
On your grandma.

Whitehaven is a predominantly African-American community in Memphis, TN, first organized in the late 19th century. -- Wikipedia

Whitehaven?
With a raven?
Absurd,
This bird!
Whitehaven!

A stoat
In a coat
Is a net
Threat
To your throat.

Practical porpoises II

The dolphin
At the Althing
Screamed
And dreamed
Of golfing.

Mississippi
Is trippy.
Go away
You gay
Hippie.

For all practical porpoises

That dolphin
Goes golfing.
Stuck in rough,
Gets scruff
On his tall fin.

Ukraine

The rain
In Ukraine
Is plainly
Mainly
In the brain.

West Virginia Blues II

The roof
Is aloof.
Life blows.
There goes
Another toof.

West Virginia Blues

In Wheeling.
Queer feeling
Of bliss.
A piss-
ing ceiling.

Cape Codpiece

Nantucket?
A bucket!
Big grin,
Wipe chin,
Well, fuck it.

Mahan's Many Body Physics text is over-rated.

mahan
trash can
ding-dong
sing-a-long
flash in the pan